We are tired & feeling a smidge rundown. We have had long days and nights full of Clorox and clean ups. This road is so foreign and baffling that our expectations are all over the place & with that, disappointments are inevitable. There are many days we expect to be good and those typically turn out to be the worst. When will we learn? We have no control.
As a self-proclaimed control freak, you can imagine the toll these last 2 months have taken on me. Scratch that- the last 6 months. Andrew and I began our life as a married couple in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. He had just graduated from Butler University one week prior to our wedding day, and we were unsure of what his professional basketball career was to entail of. We attempted to resume a “normal” married life, but let’s be honest, nothing about our lives have been normal. I worked hard as a full-time nanny 55 hours a week while Andrew went to 4 hours of basketball training each morning on the days that he wasn’t flying off for an NBA tryout. Each day, we (not so patiently) awaited a call from our agent letting us know where we were headed. Calls came and went, but we never felt good about the offers. Our prayer was to go where the Lord needed us, and we didn’t feel like any of the places calling checked that box. We went through this state of limbo for 3 months. Teams begin the first weeks of September, and we were still empty handed in the last weeks of August. Panic began to ensue. Again, we were reminded that we have no control.
Fast-forward to mid-December and all we knew was that Andrew had a swollen lymph node and that the doctors didn’t speak a lick of English. Through many trial and error with scans and tests and failed attempts with translators, we gathered it was time to go home. In the moment, there wasn’t a sadness to leave because we were too busy being panicked by the news of a tumor in Andrew’s chest. But now that we are removed from the situation and full-blown in the midst of an entirely different one, we do have our moments of realization that our dreams have changed drastically & that our lives will never be the same. Admittedly, that saddens me. We had such big dreams and hopes of invigorating escapades overseas, but we now realize that it will be years before we can claim victory over this disease and, well, we aren’t sure we’re sold on doing maintenance and treatments in a foreign country. Needless to say, we don’t have a clue what the future holds. But then I realize, we never have and never will. We thought we had our lives planned out, but then this mountain called “cancer” planted itself in the middle of that course. We were shocked, but God wasn’t. Why? Because HE is in control, not us. As much as I kick, scream, and fight Him for it He isn’t relenting control, and I am learning that is a wonderful thing. What in the world could I possibly do in the face of cancer? Nothing. Even in doing things that feel like control to me, (taking care of Andrew) it doesn’t change his physical state. No matter how many Gatorades I hand him or a how many times I take the trash out after a meal doesn’t sit well, he still feels terrible.
Just like with life, we have to let this run its course. Does this mean we plan to roll over and let this thing kick our butts? Absolutely not. Andrew is a fighter through and through. He is already leaps and bounds beyond where our doctor expected him to be. But, we do have to remind ourselves daily that we can only pray and control our attitudes in the face of this; everything else is out of our hands.
“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul, I will replenish.” (Jeremiah 31:25)
Note of Thanks…
From the bottom of our hearts, we just want to say thank you. Thank you for all of the love, prayers, and support we have received over the past two weeks. The outpouring kindness and compassion has been such a blessing to Andrew, myself, and our families. Please keep the prayers coming- the big guy needs them!