Our Wedding Anniversary

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Today should be our third wedding anniversary. Today should be celebrated. Today shouldn’t hurt so badly. But it does-more than you can ever imagine. Gosh, I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss Andrew. I have never found happiness to be more elusive and seemingly unattainable. Every day is harder than the one before it, despite every single person telling me it will get easier. I’ve learned that grief isn’t something you get through, rather it is something that you endure and carry with you for the rest of your days. I have cried every single day since January 12th. I’m so tired of crying. I’m tired of the ever-present lump in the throat and tears constantly sitting on the tips of my eyelids, threatening to stain my cheeks over and over again. I’m tired of letting them fall but never feeling relieved. I miss joy. I miss true, belly-aching laughter. I miss quiet moments that don’t scream the truth of a harsh reality. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling anything other than exhaustion. It’s so hard to be in love with someone in Heaven. It’s so hard to be in love with someone that is never coming back. But while I struggle, while I feel like I’m drowning every single day, I would never wish this day away.

So much of me wants to run from today, but a greater majority of me wants to embrace it. May 18th, 2013 will always be a wondrous and magnificent day. The tragedy that unfolded four months ago doesn’t rob it of its beauty and meaning. Andrew’s untimely death doesn’t negate or diminish the insane amount of love wrapped up in our marriage. The fact that I’m doing this anniversary alone instead of with Andrew doesn’t make him any less my husband, nor does it make me any less his wife. Today will always sting my soul, but I still love this day and I love what it means even more. This day means Andrew Smith loved, respected, and trusted me so much that he stood before God and 300 of the most important people in our lives and said, “I take this woman to be my wife…until death do us part.” This day means Andrew was so in love that he wanted to commit to spend the rest of his life with me. This day means God saw fit to allow me to be the one to marry this man and walk alongside him in his hardest days. God found me, of all women on this earth, suitable to be the one and only woman that Andrew ever fell in love with. This day means God entrusted my arms to be the ones to hold Andrew through sickness and health, and until death did us part. This day means everything to me. So while today will be drenched in tears, I hope some of those are intertwined with tears of joy. While my heart breaks every single morning that I didn’t get 70 years with Andrew on this earth, it also rejoices that I got 7 of the most perfect years with him. Even after the hellish past 2 years, I still consider myself the luckiest girl in this world. I got to be Andrew’s wife and best friend. I got to be loved like the most beautiful example of the way Christ loves His church. Timothy Keller wrote that the purpose of marriage is to help our spouse to become their future glorious selves. He once said, “The reason that marriage is so painful and yet so wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once.” How lucky was I to be pursued and adored by Andrew each and every day? And how lucky are we, as undeserving and sinful as ever, to be pursued and adored by Christ each and every day? My two and a half years of marriage with Andrew was as close to Heaven on earth as I can imagine; the love that we shared each and every day spoke so much joy and life into my heart every single day. And to think, Christ loves us so much more than an ounce of love that Andrew and I shared in our seven years together. So despite the daily heartache, despite the pain and grief I know will never go away, He is a God worth serving and loving every day. He is still good. He is still trustworthy. He is still faithful.

Happy Anniversary, my love. I miss you more than I ever believed to be possible. I can’t wait to see you again and wrap my arms around you. See you so soon, sweets.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

18 thoughts on “Our Wedding Anniversary

  1. Please know that we continue to lift you and the whole Smith family up in our prayers. There is rarely a day that goes by that God doesn’t bring you and the extended family to my mind so that you can be bathed in prayer.

  2. Samantha…bless your heart. You are right…you endure grief for the rest of your life…thankfully, Our Precious Heavenly Father is there to guide you through each tear you shed for heartache and for joy. Andrew is celebrating with you today and doing so having embraced God…would imagine that gives you some comfort. I haven’t lost a husband but lost my Mother (suddenly and only 67yrs old) and though that was ten years ago, my emotions are still raw at times. You are in my prayers each day and especially for today. I’m thankful that you continue to share your journey with us…stay strong as best you can for you are cradled in the arms of God.

  3. Dear Sam,
    Our hearts just break for you! May God hold you close and bring comfort to your grieving heart, mind and soul. May Jesus bring you peace and strength to keep going for that’s what Andrew would want you to do.
    You are such a great writer – maybe a book to comfort others is in your future. We lost our son whose name was Andrew. It took me a very long time to write about him but I finally did. I just ache for all of you in the Smith family. Grief is very hard work but you are not alone. You, Debbie and Curt and his family remain in our prayers.

  4. Celebrating your crazy beautiful love today! My heart breaks for you, Sam, but I cling to the truths of our Savior. I hope I get to witness your glorious reunion with Andrew in Heaven! Sending you all the love in the world today. Please know YOU and your loss are cried and prayed over every day!

  5. Your words and sentiments are both painful and healing. Thank you for helping us focus of what is important. In God, we are complete. With His love we need no more. He fulfills. You share your love with Andrew with all of us who cared for him. God will continue to smile upon you.

  6. Sam…first of all, Happy Anniversary! To haved loved and loss is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do. The good news is that you will work your way through the grief…and eventually love again. I find my inspiration through lord and music. If I may, please download a song from The late Glenn Fry “it’s your world now” I believe these are the words would want to share with you if he could. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, so please remember, it truly is your world now!

  7. may God continue to give the strength you need. having lost a son to cancer i can walk in your shoes.. he has been 6 years.and all of my family are missing him. God bless you.

  8. my prayers are always with the Sutter family

    On Wed, May 18, 2016 at 7:51 AM, Kicking Cancer with the Smiths wrote:

    > misterandmrssmith posted: ” Today should be our third wedding anniversary. > Today should be celebrated. Today shouldn’t hurt so badly. But it does-more > than you can ever imagine. Gosh, I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. > I miss Andrew. I have never found happiness to be more e” >

  9. Today happens to be three years for me and my husband. Your blog post makes me more thankful for my husband. May God’s mercy, peace and love surround you today. May His strength carry you through each day, and His arms hold you, especially when you feel you can’t carry on. You are in my prayers.

  10. Samantha
    I wrote a reply on your blog, yesterday What can I do, it was in regards to your Wedding Anniversary. Then your new entry came up and had to change my eye makeup twice.
    I honestly was thinking about your special and difficult day days before! I read your blog every new entry and pray for you! I don’t know you personally but I hope to encourage you with prayer and reading! I’m not able to donate to on the Bone Marrow Registry, as I’ve been on the list but for medicinal reasons they couldn’t use me! I still receive stories and updates for the last 10 years! They inspire me still and I know what you and Andrew endured will inspire many more! That may offer you a little comfort.
    I guess rambling on I’m praying that you are able to find joy, laughter and love from all your family and friends.
    Love in Christ Michele

  11. Samantha,
    Here is the truth,its never going to get “easier” and no,time doesn’t heal. I am sure by now you have come to really hate platitudes as most of us do who have lost a soulmate to cancer or any other advanced illness. What you will learn to do is cope and endure. It’s been over three years since my Lori passed away and I endure. Every day isn’t a good day,it doesn’t get easier and I love her more each day but I endure as you will come to do.
    The first two years are the worst as most will agree with (or least the many folks whom I have spoken to.) The sharpness will slowly dull but it will never stop,you’ll always hurt. It’s important to understand this because if you can accept this fact,life will be a bit more bearable. But I can’t say that it will….because this is your journey and no one will ever “get it” or “I know what you’re going through” because we really don’t. My heart with with you….

    Michael.

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